Back to the Beginning

I started a new job a few weeks ago.

Back in August of last year, I had a decent job as an assistant at a Montessori school. The hours were great, it was an amazing school for my kids, and it was an overall nurturing and supportive space.

Being completely new to a Montessori environment and performing the duties of an assistant was a bit of an adjustment. I missed leading a classroom, but a certification just wasn’t a priority at that time with a recent death in the family and just starting a doctorate.

Quite unexpectedly, I discovered an opening for a director role at a nearby school. I had one of those feel-it-in-your-gut moments where I just thought:

This is what you’ve been waiting for!

It felt like the investment of my Master’s was actually going to pay off. After years of working in early childhood education, I could finally step into leadership and apply my knowledge and skills in new and exciting ways.

I was so stinking proud of myself.

Once on the job, everything became “other duties as assigned” and the hope of a future leadership role became more of a “not now, but someday” situation.

Someday never came.

Now I’m back at the beginning. Learning a new job at a new school, completing new certifications and trainings, and dealing with the exhaustion and stress of starting over yet again.

I have an abundance of gratitude for my new job, but zero excitement. It’s the rinse and repeat, another turn of the inescapable hamster wheel, and the try, try again of it all that has me completely burned out.

I’m sure many other educators can relate.

If life has taught me anything lately, it is that it is okay to grieve disappointment.

It’s okay to sit with your feelings and acknowledge that something hurts and the weight of carrying it is incredibly heavy.

It’s okay to start over again, and again, and again.

A is for…

Another attempt.

Another year…another iteration of a blog…another shot at blogging (almost) daily throughout April.

The goal is to get into the habit of posting more and maybe enjoying some community while I’m at it.

Life is tough, insanely busy, and usually throws the hugest curveballs whenever I take on something for myself. These past few years were no exception. Marriage, moving, a premature baby, a pandemic, another baby, graduate school, losing loved ones, losing jobs, losing my faith, and struggling desperately with anxiety and depression for the umpteenth time.

I am not sure the direction I’d like the blog to take just yet, but it will have something to do with prioritizing positivity.

But not right now.

Before that can happen, I need to take a closer look at the unprocessed trauma that is bubbling up to the surface, especially since becoming a parent.

So lots of heavy topics this month, but I’ll be sure to include some joy and lightheartedness since we have enough doom and gloom here near Seattle. People always tell me that I have a story to tell. If that means feeling more sunshine in this weary heart of mine, then I’m ready to share.